This pig is mine.. Come closer..
I’ve never missed someone I will never see in my entire life so much.. I’ve never missed someone who I will never live my dreams with so much.. I’ve never missed a person who has rarely appeared in my life so much.. I miss you. But I don’t think you’ll come back.. I’ll wait for you.. Just dont take too long.
Im going to finally explain my fear of clowns.
Everyone might think its silly but because im so terrified of them, I find this to be VERY serious. Just thinking about how im going to explain this gives me that wierd feeling in my stomach.. Well first of all, no, I wasn’t touched inappropriately by one. I’ve been getting that a lot by everyone who keeps wondering. It all started when I was little, maybe around 4 I assume. Every night id constantly get nightmares of my family disappearing one way or another. Everybody would leave me and just leave. Then out of nowhere, this clown would appear out of nowhere. He was just ugly.. He looked like that clown IT but this one was just.. hideous. Monstrous.. and it’d taunt me. I’d go after it just because I didnt want it to hurt anybody, especially my family since that’s what he was mostly after. I ran desperately and I managed to save everyone.. almost everyone. I couldnt find my mom. I kept running and in every corner, I would just see his eerie shadow moving ahead, his sinister laugh fading away. He was closer to my mom than I was. My anxiety was getting worse and I was paranoid to the point where I wanted to destroy everything in hope to find my mom. It started to rain and everything went dark. I started crying. I thought id never find her. Then I heard her talking from inside this warehouse. It was hard to decipher what she was saying. It sounded like she was speaking in tongues but it was understandable. I was outside the warehouse in the rain, calling out for my mom. And just when I was about to run inside to get her, a light turns on from in the warehouse. I see her silhouette, and the clowns. I froze in place and screamed my lungs out, cried hysterically, and just felt a part of me die.. all I heard was his laugh and his shadowy figure dig into the silhouette of her corpse..
And every night after that nightmare, i recall every clown dream afterwards. They haunt me.. They werent all the same. They were all different.. but they all seemed to be related to that main one; the one that killed my mom. He’d always be there with the other ones in the other nightmares.. He never said a word. He just stared sometimes and smiled.. and laughed. His evil grin.. His red stained lips.. His sharp teeth.. His white face.. Those scary eyes.. And his red hair.. His red nose and makeup.. everything. I dont know him. I never knew who he was. I had never seen the movie IT before or after the nightmares occured. I never knew that movie existed until I was like, 6.. I’ve never been able to think of a clown as a silly human in makeup. All that goes through my head is that one clown and his group of other whatever-the-fucks. I’ve also tried to get over my irrational fear of them but on almost every attempt, I scream, freeze, or cry; maybe all three. Its useless.. Im just terrified.. Looking at one runs a flashback of images in my head like a movie. I try to avoid it as much as possible. People think its some kind of joke when they find out how scared I am.. They dont understand.. or maybe its silly because it got the best of me when I was little. Fuck.. Im going to be scared of something dumb for the rest of my life..
Now I know why it pissed me off.
Because my boyfriend pays more attention to his Yu-Gi-Oh! cards than me.. that’s a problem.
